Near Death

1. If someone asks if you want to go fishing in the dead of the night and you said yes, and suddenly it’s 11PM and you’re “fishing” in places you’re not allowed to fish which means you have no light, and it’s nine grown people on a small wooden boat, calculate your best chances of surviving the night namely, where both sides of the banks of the river are, pray. Text your sister where you are, then put your phone in your jacket, zip up your pocket (wear a jacket that has zippers on its pocket), and pray.

2. If your sense of responsibility finds you wading through a mudslide in a drizzle with promise of more thunder and lightning, when everyone else is at home, cozying up with family, and chatting with friends (and arguing with foes) online, and discussing climate and government roles and duties, pray. Text your sister where you are because that shit is time stamped, then wear sensible footwear, light jacket that doesn’t get too heavy in the rain (because even wool is just a burden if it gets wet, because then it’s no use, it gets really heavy and very very cold), pants with pockets where you have an SAK, a ORS powder pack, a small bottle of water, a hanky, and of course one waterproof pocket with zippers where your phone can stay dry, and pray.

3. If your call of duty demands you’re in the middle of a rainstorm, neck deep in the middle of nowhere, bang in the midst of a16-wheeled trucks traffic jam, transporting god-knows-what, and it gets dark, and you have no light but the light in your Samsung mobile, your vehicle and driver about 27 trucks away, slightly drunk and irate truck drivers calling you to ‘babe, calm down’, and they’re not listening to your logic, pray. Text your sister where you are, in case you die, or worse, then put your phone inside your jacket pocket, zip it up (ensure your waterproof jacket has zippered pockets), bad-mouth the truckers and order them – and the policemen – to listen up, and pray.  

4. If your journey takes you to the top of a mountain which you’ve reached on the back of a pick-up truck, and your driver is talented but you’re not sure if he is wholly in his senses, because you know for damn sure your companions aren’t anymore this side of 5PM, and the nearest village is way nearly 90 degrees downhill, and the cute boy you know has told you last night that he had scaled that peak on foot and not on a pick-up, and you’re wondering if that was smarter than being on a mechanical cart, driven by someone you never met once in your life until 10AM that day, and you’re wondering if you just make very random bad choices in your life, take a deep swipe of your favourite beverage, text your sister (zippered pocket or not, makes no difference), then pray. 

5. Bottom line is tell your sister, and then pray. She knows enough to delete your phone history and what you have inside your locked trunk in your locked closet. That bitch knows what to do. You’ve never talked about it, but she knows. Then you make nice with Jesus and surrender.

C’est la vie. Such is life. And it never stops.